Sanju : What the movie actually showed me

The last few days there have been multiple reviews about the the movie #Sanju. Some raved about it while some criticised it. While I have my own opinions about the movie which is published here , I do think it conveyed a very important message which I will elaborate now.

The major focus of the story was the relationship between the father and the son. The movie attempted to show how the father was a great man and the son was never able to come to the expectations of the father. It  depicts  how they loved each other so much but were unable to communicate that love to each other.  It shows how the father and son finally bridged their differences.

Have realistic expectations from your child: You as an individual are entitled to your opinions and ideologies and would want your progeny to follow it. But first try to understand your child, what you child feels and what is the child's idea of life. So do not impose your ideology on your child.

Keep children involved in all matters of the family  : There is a scene in the movie where the father informs the 19 year old son that his mother has cancer, but he needs to act as if he doesn't know about it. The mother then informs the son that she is going to New York, not for treatment , but to act in a Hollywood movie. She proudly tells the father she can still act very well, though she is retired from movies. The scene hit me with the hypocrisy we follow in families. Why do we make things sound as if children(though he is an adult here)  are incapable of handling the truth?  If children are told the truth they will process it and make better choices in life. Parents go on through life saying ' my children should not suffer' . This is true as long as things go well. But in case of any trouble that either parent goes through , I  think its very important to take the child into confidence. Children will understand the pain you are going through and will know how to empathize with you.In our need to protect them, we mollycoddle them so much they are unable to handle the bitter truths of life.

Keep communication lines open:Talk to your children. Let them know they can afford to make mistakes,but need to learn from them. Making a mistake is not a crime. Not learning anything from it is. Not teaching our children to learn from them is the biggest crime. The movie shows the son reaching out for drugs and sex as a way to combat his depression. Today more and more children are moving into depression. There is a a break down in communication in families. Keep talking to your children. Hear them out. Sunil Chetri in this speech hits the nail when he says listen to your child.

Chide in private : The father does the reverse. The son is chided by his father for not lip syncing the song as he wanted him to do. He scolds him in front of the whole unit. The son who looks up to the father for his approval, never gets it. His father makes his disappointment very obvious leading me to think, did he at anytime set his expectations with his child?  Did they have similar expectations and did the son know what the father wanted or was he just following a mirage?

Be involved in the childhood of your child.  While the father does give the son motivational talks and songs that help him choose the right path, I felt they came bit too late in the life of the son. Parents need to be involved with their children. They need to be available for their children emotionally , physically and mentally during the growing years of the child. Celebrate your child. His successes and failures are as much a part of your life as they are of his. Do not blend your pride with his success and your shame with his failure. Take it as a walk down the path of life. Just be there for them unconditionally. Children are not in the lives of parents to make them proud or shame them .They are here to lead their lives. Be with them in their childhood and guide them at the right time, so that as an adult they are capable of making the right choices.

Though I am sure the director never had the above ideas in his head while making the movie, these messages did stand out for me. The movie is definitely a lesson in bad parenting . One can learn what not to do as a parent from this movie.  Thank you team Sanju for this.

But the math paper did!

The last few days have been days of results in our country.
ICSE and CBSE results are out. Local state boards are declaring the results.
Schools , coaching classes and parents are in three modes: gloating over the toppers, thanking the stars for those who cleared and not too bothered about the middle lot.

As a parent I was also on tenter hooks since morning. Not because the results were due in sometime, but because I knew my boy was tensed.
He had spent the good part of the year participating in activities in college and spent the last month or so preparing for the exams.
I knew he found math tough , dillydallied to the end and finally took it head on.
He was worried he would have to repeat his paper.
I was worried it would mean so much extra work for something he didn't enjoy.

He is interning at a start-up and enjoying his job. His skills in computing and social media landed him the internship. He does a lot of math on his job. That doesn't scare him. But the math paper did!

He is a musician by heart. He plays the drums,the piano and the guitar. He composes tunes and gets the beat of any song. The math of the rythm doesn't scare him. But the math paper did!

He took me on a drive on the scooter last weekend and explained  how if you passed  one green signal and maintained your speed you could pass through all the green signals on that road. The math of the signals doesnt scare him. But the math paper did!

When the results were out, he burst into tears. Those were tears of joy of having cleared the math paper. They were also tears of relief that told him he needn't look at those dreaded books again.

As a parent and an educator I know the math paper has not enriched my son's life as the numerous events he attended during his grade 12. He learnt so much more there even as he was criticised by all for whiling away his time. He made new friends,negotiated relationships , took up challenges, participated in competitions ,spent time in team building activities.My boy, I was sure wouldn't be stopped by a math paper. But somewhere he wasn't sure of that. The math paper scared him!

Even as my boy and his friends party to celebrate their success in this examination, they know they are in for a few more years of such torture. But they will have gotten older and stronger and more resilient to tackle it by then and will do so without breaking down.

Bottoms up !

“One cannot think well, love well, and sleep well, if one has not dined well.”
― Virginia Woolf, A Room of One's Own
Woolf has very aptly condensed the importance of food in this one sentence. Nothing in life happens the right way if food is neglected. Food has a very omnipotent role to play in our lives. And it is, at the same time, very omnipresent in the language we speak.
Language is being constantly modified and beautified by food. Food garnishes the language that one uses with so much love and spice that one can only crave for more.
Food nourishes our thoughts. While worries go down better with soup, too many cooks can spoil the broth. Though we thought about of everything from soup to nuts, we never realised that we had our fingers in too many pies. Did we chew off more than we could eat? We treaded on eggshells during the project so that we would not have egg on our faces at the end of it. We wanted to keep our cake and have it too.
Food nourishes the heart too.  So while your loved one can be as sweet as honey, your home can be as warm as toast even on a rainy day. The ambience may just make you go nutty as a fruit cake or simply spend the rest of the day as couch potatoes! Either way you would not cry over spilt milk.
Food nourishes the body. That of course is its main job. And language embellishes this role too. So you have a taste for the fine arts while the icing on the cake is the award you got for your passion in music .And oh yes, in your salad days you stewed upon quite a few things though finally you did learn which side of the bread is buttered. And on your way you have also figured out that one man’s meat is another poison while time and again you may have jumped from the fire into the frying pan while trying to save your bacon.

So while you sink your teeth into this, let’s acknowledge that variety is the spice of life. Every endeavour will have its teething troubles, at times may make you feel as if it is a pie in the sky but the truth remains that there is nothing such as a free lunch. You may have to polish the apple to whet your appetite to achieve success.

STRAND BOOK STALL AND THE PPRS

The news papers are buzzing with how the iconic book stall in Mumbai 'Strand Book stall' is shutting down. In the face of severe competition this little book store hasn't been able to keep pace and is shutting down.
( Strand Book Stall )

Strand Book Stall has been a huge part of my life. My father, a self confessed bibliophile was a regular visitor to the shop. Our breakfast table and dinner table stories for years revolved around the eminent people he met at the book store, his interactions with the owner Padmashree T.N.Shanbaug and the ever ready to help manager- Shenvi uncle. Dad was so well connected to all the people at Strand that one had to only inform the guys at the shop that they were sent there by PPR, one would get a further discount on any book purchased.

It is difficult to visualise my dad without a Strand Bag. Strand would willingly hand him over a dozen of their bags , which he would pick up at regular intervals. God forbid if he used any other bag. The bags were always at home( and are there even today) Dad was a mobile advertisement for them. I vividly remember when he had to withdraw money for my wedding, he safely carried cash worth a  lakh in a Strand Bag all the way from Colaba to  Vile Parle. Even as we were aghast, may dad coolly said, who will imagine that this bag has money.People will only think it has some books.
For years it was difficult to meet my dad on Monday mornings. It was his weekly trip to Strand.This ritual continued a good fifteen years after his retirement till my mother decided that he was too old to travel alone!

On his journeys to the book stall, my children have accompanied him , during their vacations. It was almost a mini summer camp  with me dropping them off on a Sunday evening at  my parents house , so that they could go to Strand Book Stall on a Monday morning. While my daughter enjoyed the travel ( which included a train, a bus and a cab and the most coveted icecream!) , my son loved to pick up the books. Both have very fond memories of the place.

The relationship Dad shared with the shop was of joy and pride which he shared with many of us. Though I didn't go regularly to the shop, I have fond memories of the few visits that my sister and I did to the shop during our annual trips from Trivandrum. We used to spend hours at the shop sifting though books, reading some and finally picking up two or three for the vacations.

Later on , as a teacher, when I was in-charge of setting up the library for a school I worked in, Shenvi uncle and Strand helped me set it up in a jiffy.And to the management's delight they offered huge discounts.

Strand Book Stall has been a part of my life for the last four decades. directly and indirectly.

The old will give way to the new and Strand today symbolises just that. It will be alive in the memories of  thousands of people whose life it has touched in small and big ways.
It will , forever hold a cherished place in the hearts of the PPR family for sure.