the mind that matters over the matters of the heart.....

Confusion abounds,chaos reigns,
the heart cannot hear what the mind wants to say.
As it lies bleeding upon the thorns of self made misery, the mind rattles advice,
matters of the mind do not matter to it.
it weeps in desolation,it weeps in failure,
it lacks the courage ,it lacks the conviction,it lacks the charm ,it lacks the confidence,
it sheds tears of agony,of conflict and of guilt.
the mind is chattering above all this,the pragmatic mind,the unfeeling mind,
the practical mind,the rational mind,
it sees no chaos,it sees no confusion,it only sees a new path,a path now that has to be taken,
a path that the heart does not want to see....the path that brings the heart face to face with its failure....
the failure that sleeps now,but still bleeds,the failure that is quiet now tumultuously.......

The old man and the auto

Sunday evening..just finished shopping at the santacruz market. The usual evening mania..no autorickshaw driver wants to go east.East in Mumbai especially Kalina is like poison.After the floods in Mumbai Kalina is perpetually flooded for these guys.Half an agitated hour later we got one old man in his auto.Very gracefully he asked my huge hubby darling to shift to the right side of the vehicle as the left tyre did not have much air in it!!!!As we began the journey the old man began small talk..where in Kalina do you want to go? Did you always stay where you are staying now?Kadamwadi,responded hubby dear,and no we stayed behind 'King of fashion and Queen of Fashion'(Landmarks once upon a time..now hardly anyone notices it!!!) So there they got talking about how Kalina can never lose its charm and how once a Kalinian always a Kalinian!!!
Then the old Man asked him do you have an elder balding brother.....Yes hubby replied!!!! then Said the old man from 1973 to 76 I have delivered milk in your house!!!! Boy o Boy ,I was a little boy then replied my hubby!!!
The whole incident got me thinking.People come in and go out of our lives with a purpose.The old man had come back with just a little purpose of rekindling some old memories in my hubby,just with the purpose of showing us that the old order that valued the place once was now slowly loosing out to the sheer commercial world where we don't know each other.......

keep smiling in life

A Friday morning.I was on my way to the office.My friend had given me a lift and so the two of us were in her car,giggling and laughing,gossiping and generally being opiniated about the world in general and no one in particular.Traffic was heavy( as it always is in Mumbai) .Radio Mirchi was full of music and masti. Both of us were having a good start to the day.We paused at a signal.The young book boys(boys who sell pirated editions of latest best sellers at the cheapest prices possible) swarmed into the halted traffic.A little fellow with a spark in his eye stopped near my window.Madam ji dekho..and showed me The Lost symbol. Something told me to respond to him.Yeh to maine padh liya hai,I said.To in me se kuch dekh lo ..he said showing me the tall tower of books that he was carrying.Yeh saare maine padh liye hain,I quipped.theek hai to yeh le lijiye...aapke kaam ayega...and he strongly recommended "Loose your weight ,not your mind by Rujuta Divekar!!! thoda weight bhi kam ho jayega( did he mean his own ..the weight of his life ) or mine???? I burst out laughing!!!! No dear mujhe yeh nahin chaiye.... theek hai he said,aap apne doston se bolna mere hi signal par se books kharide...Saying this he gave a mischievous little wink and ran to the next halted car.
He didn't sell his book to me but he sold his enthusiasm and his spirit to keep smiling in life !!!!

The phoenix

She was happy,joyous and free.The world was hers to rule.When she smiled ,she radiated happiness.She fluttered as lovely as a butterfly.From every flower that life gave to her,she not just received,she gave instead...a lot of happiness..she spread around.No life that she once touched ever forgot her.It seemed as if Nature had conspired to keep her happy.Then the bubble burst.The Gods went against her.She began to cringe.she began to cower,she began to fear.She feared to smile,she feared to laugh,she feared to rejoice.But she learnt to resist this deviant plan of the Gods.She smiled though it pained,she rejoiced though it ached,she laughed though she was tormented.The world did not know.The world believed the image she projected,a shadow of her true self.The world believed she smiled because she loved it,she smiled because she did not want to hurt those she loved.The world believed she rejoiced the gifts of life,she rejoiced that in all this pain she had her babies to look forward to.The world believed she laughed at it ,she laughed to challenge her own self.Time and again her struggle,her pain and her energy to deal with it makes me want to believe that she is the modern day phoenix.She will rise again and laugh at the world.AGAIN!!!!!!

ode to kalpana

I first met Kalpana in my sixth grade.We had recently relocated to Trivandrum and there I was Maharashtra chi mulgi standing in the Malayala nadu knowing nothing of that language.Someone told us that Kalpana was the best teacher of the language.She was friendly,she was humourous and she helped to learn easily.So began my Malayalam lessons from her.But I could meet her only once a month.A three hour class of fun,frolic ,entertainment and education-those were her classes.In less than a year not only could I understand the language but could speak reasonably well in it too.though i no longer needed her classes,she continued to remain an integral part of my life.she encompassed not only aspects of my life but also my entire family.My family was with me in this entire endeavour,right from the first class!!!!
Kalpana taught all of us.....
for almost 7 years we regularly visited her every month and came home enriched..sometimes happy,sometimes sad,sometimes thoughtful,sometimes pensive...
Today I heard she is gone,gone for ever...I felt i had lost a link to my past.Kalpana has been replaced by Big Bazaar....Kalpana was the theatre where I saw my first Malayalam Movie!!!!!
Kalpana was where I began my tryst with Malayalam movies.Here was where I cried along with Mammooty,laughed with MohanLal,romanced with Rahman,danced with Shobana,learnt sarcasm under Balachandra Menon, and empathised with Nedumudi Venu.
Today she stocks washing powder!!!!!

One new year to the next

The new year has been ushered in.
The party is over.
The bills have been paid.
The reality has sunk in.
The grind has begun.
The year is unfolding day by day.
How is it different from the ones that have gone by?
How is it going to carve a niche for itself in the sands of time?
How am I going to remember this year more than any other year?
Why will this year be more special?
What does this year have that others didn't have?
Will this mark the beginning of my search?
Will it mark the end of my search?
Will it set me upon a journey of discovery?
Will it set me upon rediscovering things I have forgotten?
when will I be able to answer the whats,the whys and the hows????
Will I usher in the next with the same questions???

I begin

A new beginning today..three minutes to eight in the evening....

I always think,I need to write.But something stopped me,kept me confined.I need to break open the confines and I did just that.

Why do we confine ourselves?Why do we define ourselves?Why do we limit ourselves?Why are there roles to be played?Why are there boundaries all around?

I think to release me to push all limitations,to feel what the boundless would be like.The boundaries define the boundless,the inanimate defines the animate,the confines define the limitlessness of space.

Time and again I an bound by my roles,by my duties,by my relationships.All this is essential to the human spirit.It craves for love,it craves for affection.It craves for admiration,it craves for attention.Who would not want to be treated like royalty?Who would not want to cuddle a child and enjoy the gurgle?Who would not want to be courted and loved?The spirit craves to be confined.The spirit craves to be free.This is my beginning,this is my journey..........an eternal clash of ideas and values.