Dont raise your voice, better your argument.

 On his tenth birthday , my son demanded a geared bicycle. It was expensive. When we told him, it is not safe to buy such an expenvie gift as it could get stolen, he suggested we get him the foldable version. I told him such cycles are not available in India. At the end of the day he sent my husband and me links of shops where such cycles were availabe in Mumbai. He argued that a foldable one would be safe as we could park it in the house and not in the open.

That was an eye-opening moment for me as a parent. I knew if I had to reason it out with this young one, I needed my facts in place and very valid arguments. I went upfront to him and told him, that we couldnt just afford it. He would have to look for something cheaper. I gave him my budget!

This argument worked to his logical mind and he happily chose the best alternative available. This taught me:

Dont raise your voice, better your argument.

Commonly used in by lawyers, this statement is an equally powerful parenting statement. Children respond to logic. When they see a logical argument and it appeals to them cognitively , they respond emotionally.

As parents, shouting and yelling at your child is not going to work. Hitting, slapping and the very traditional punitive methods may scar the life of the child. Many adults cannot move past this childhood trauma.

But this nowhere means that we pander to all the demands of the child. Discipline is an attitude that can be instilled in the right way in the right manner.

Being physically or verbally loud to the child just gives the message that , actually I am powerless in this situation and the only way I can control you is to physically dominate you. Children get this message and begin to realise how they can play mind games with the adult.

So strengthen your arguement. Get your facts in place.

Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.

A very powerful statement that reminds us 'Actions speak louder than words.'

During my journey as a parent, I have experienced this many a time. As an adult I believed it was the right thing for children to obey adults. They had no choice but to do that. And as my children grew, over the years, the realization grew that children will listen to you if they see a logical outcome to what you say.

If you stand on a high moral horse and say, ' Listen to me because I am your parent', that will never work.

We are used to a culture where one parent is made the villain. Usually the father is made to be the supreme authority and given all rights and powers over the child.

This teaches the children that the parents are not a team. While they hear the father is the final decision maker, they see the inequality in the relationship.

I have had many parents walk up to me and say, my son or daughter is constantly on the TV or the phone. He or she she doesnt study. A little digging into the daily routine shows how the parent refuses to switch off the TV, but expects the child to stay away.

Children mirror actions. They observe keenly. They are tunes to your mood and feelings.

Keep a track of yourself first. Then you will command the respect as a parent. You will not have to demand it.

Proximity is power

 This quote by Tony Robbins is as much a business quote as it is teaching and parenting quote. Be the extraordinary person around the children you deal with.

When I say extraordinary, I nowhere mean super human. Parenting and teaching have their own journeys. Be true to them. But as we navigate this journey, being mindful of the power we have on the children is essential.

If a professional grows in a career by getting the right influences and keeping proximity with the right people, remember children do not have the choice to choose their proximities with others. They are bound by the circles we create for them; their families are defined by us. Their peers are defined by the schools and the communities they grow up in.

So, while we limit these boundaries, let us strive to be the ones exercising the right influences on them.

#priyagopal #parenting #proximity #tonyrobbins #influence #teachers

The second principle of magic

 It is sheer coincidence that I stumbled on this quote on the birth anniversary of the author.

There are essentially two principles in magic.

1. Like produces Like

2. Things which have once been in contact with each other continue to act on each other at a distance after the physical contact has been severed.

The magical part is how true these statements are with life too. We say God created Man in his own form. The first principle essentially says that the effect is often from the cause and these may be similar.

The second principle, I feel is a very powerful statement when it comes to teaching and parenting. The impact of an adult on a child is long and powerful. Memoires are the impact that human beings carry with them through life.

As a teacher, one may not be physically present in the life of a student for ever, but this second principle of magic becomes the strongest truth a student can encounter. The impact a teacher makes on the life of a child can be lifelong. The effort of the teacher should be to create as many pleasant experiences as possible. We have heard as many stories of teachers motivating children as those of teachers scarring children for a lifetime. We know of people who have dropped a subject because there has been an extremely toxic teacher. Rude remarks in the class room, physical punishment, unsavoury comments in the report cards are such examples. Instead think how powerful an adult could be in the life of child if we are mindful of this. The magic that this rule can create doesn’t restrict itself to the realm of magic. It creates magic in the life of a child.

As parents one thing that we need to strongly remember is how our voice becomes the inner voice of a child. What you do, act, talk or display as a parent is what the child later on has as a guiding voice in his or her adult life. The principle clearly says that even when the connection is severed, the impact is not. This means that the realm of influence is even beyond this world. As a parent if you understand the sheer power of this idea, it could be life-changing, not just for the child, but for you as a parent. You become capable of building stronger relationships with your child.

Let the magic of magic spread its wings.

Parenting pressures

 Parenting is a tight rope walk. There are no role models because very child is unique and every parent is different.

While there are hundreds of books about parenting and huge discussions both online and offline about styles of parenting, I sincerely belive there can be no rule book.

What worked for one parent and child may not necessarily work for another. 

It's the road unknown, though it has been travelled so often.

While we surely can draw from.yhe experiences of others and look upto how we were reared in our childhood, each parent will have to chart his or her own journey. 

So how does one parent a child for the unknown future using unknown techniques?

Parenting is a life long commitment. Once a parent, you cannot reverse the role! It's not a job that you can change nor is it a marriage where you can walk out.

Society keeps throwing models of parenting at us. We have our parents, neighborhood uncles and aunties who will give you free dose of parenting advice. There will be people at random corners dolling out what you need to do with your child or for your child. The markets are abuzz with schools and organisations who claim they are giving you the best for your child.

In all this chaos, how do you sift information and do what's needed for your child? 

Believe in your child. As soon as a child is born, we usually hear many of these statements- looks like the father, acts like the mother , just like uncle etc etc. While these are definitely expressed outvof love and affection for the child, begin your parenting journey with the fact that your child is not a replica of  the father , the mother or of any other relative. The child is an individual who deserves to grow into his or her own space.

Observe  your child. Recently I was telling my daughter , how she as a baby would refuse to be swaddled and tied up into a bundle (as is traditionally done with babies after their bath). She would fight her way out and sleep only once her arms and legs were free. She turned towards me and said,' Amma! I think I just knew nothing can tie me down.' Yes, even babies display their inherent personality of we care to see. 

Be aware of their ideas. As children grow up , they have their own dreams and ideas. Sometimes they follow norms. My daughter went through the Hannah Montana amd 'I love pink' phase. My son went through the ' I want to be an engine driver to a car designer phase'. At no point , belittle any of these. These ideas may or may not match your ideas for them. But know that they come into the world to live thier life, not yours.

Help them discover their strengths. Society and schools are framed to show what a huge failure you are. Winners are felicitated. Rankers are awarded. Teach your child that one needs to be a winner to one's conscience. They may or may not do well in school. The academic performance doesn't indicate their strengths. Learn to recognise their potential. As parents we usually focus so much on the academic part of schooling that we don't realise that may be that's not what the child wants.  Sports, music, dance , painting , coding, languages and so many other areas of learning may fascinate the child. Observe what the natural inclination of the child is. Strengthen this. Empower your child to make choices.

Encourage and empower. My son loves to read brochures and user manuals. He began this as a child of seven. No new equipment  could come into our home without him not having read up the manual. Our initial amusement turned into thankfulness when we realised that he is the only one at home who would immediately know what wrong in a machine when it stopped. Today this habit has helped him tremendously. He will not debate without facts. He will ensure he has the right information before taking a decision. He will not jump to conclusions.  Encourage your child to empower them to do the right things.

Be a learner. This means that one needs to be aware of more than rules and regulations. While we tend to follow rules , because it's either the done thing or its the best we know. A parent has to be a learner. Each day your child will teach you new things. New challemges will unfold everyday. Be mindful of what your children teach you. You do not have to do things just because the grandmother's of the world did it before you. While I don't deny the value of traditional wisdom, I would advise prudence while choosing to follow everything. 

 

The loss of a year

 The loss of a year.

The Covid 19 pandemic has hit the world real hard. The education field is no different.

Schools, colleges and educational institutes find themselves unprepared for it and are scrambling to find ways to keep organisations afloat online. They are experimenting with new methods and trying to use technology to reach to the students.

In all this a question that is constantly popping up from all sections of parents is how soon are educational organisations going to be fully functional. 'When is the board going to decide the exam dates? What about the competitive exams? What about regular schools? When will they teach and when will they do the assessments? When will preschools be fully functional? My child will lose one full year! Who will compensate?'

My child will lose one full year! Who will compensate ? 

When you hear a parent saying this, it gets me wondering what are they talking about. What do they mean by one full year?

Being an educator associated with the school sector,  I have always wonfered about the pressure parents, schools and children have put on themselves about losing a year. 

How does one lose one year in that, just by not being part of an organisational set up.

Education in India was highly skill based till the British took over and converted our self sufficient model into something that would develop educated clerks to run their offices.

The present model of schools has time and again come under severe criticism by many educational thinkers . Within school systems , there are many teachers who try to break the rigid models and help children blossom into wholesome adults. 

Why do we then  have this question? 

I have come across this question from young parents whose children are just two or three years of age and are looking for admission into the play schools. 

There are parents of students appesrnige for board exams who have the same question.

There are parents of students who have prepared for competitive exams asking the same thing.

There are parents of university final year graduates asking the same question.

This only brings about the total dependency of the human community on institutional eduaction. 

How does one lose a year? Its not a toy or a book to be lost. A year is 365 days of experience. A year is days and nights of learning with or without an institution behind it.

A year is days of reading books, singing songs , dancing, cooking, playing and living life.

Friendship : Changing perspectives

 So today is International friendship day. I always remember celebrating friendship day in August and many a time it coinciding with Rakshabandhan and the stale jokes of bhaiya saiyyan that went along with it.

Friendship and me are actually not very friendly.

I am generally not the one to make friends easily. Its with great difficulties I let people in my inner circle.I think as a kid , I ended up with other kids who were staying in the same colony or with kids studying in the same school. I strongly remember my dad taking my friend and me to school daily. We would pass a paanwaala and we would very happily sing khaike paan banaras wala , the hit Amitabh number. 

Then we moved residence. From one colony to another and one school to another. Change is not easy for children and I remember very specifically my inabilty to make friends in the new colony. Though I went down everyday to play, the games were different,  the language was different and the people were different.  So i rarely participated in these games.

Once again we moved the very next year. My dad was transfered to the city of Trivandrum.

Once again change of residence and school.

This time round, we were in a bungalow and had to ourselves the company of other tenants in other bungalows. Thankfully there were two young girls just like my sister and me and a tiny little boy who used to live in the neighbouring homes. We used to be constantly in and out of each others homes and spent time making gun clubs, playing UNO , watching movies and other regular stuff that kids do. And as is probe to happen, we lost touch.Never did I make any attempt to connect either. 

At school I did develop some good friendships and mind you all were only girls, because our conservative school, though coeducational did not permit boys and girls to talk. 

To this particular school, I will be ever grateful for bringing into my life, my ever lasting friend, a girl with whom I have grown old now! 

As I moved on in life through senior secondary school and college, many people came and went.

Some made no impact, some impacted moderately, some I have fond memories of and some I would rather forget. 

College life is surely the golden time of life, when relationships are forged without care, when emotions rule roost and life looks magical. This part of life, especially when in a hostel is engulfed  by classmates,roommates and hostelmates who become your anchors. As you sashay through the years, you lean on someones shoulder, you lend yours to someone, you laugh and cry together, you party and bunk classes, you prepare for exams and have breakfast , lunch and dinner together. 

Real life hit me  outside the campus. 

It was no longer about the dizzy college friendship post that. It is always about bonding .

Marriage introduced me to a hearty group of friends. My husband had a very different trajectory with friendship. He grew up with his friends  and they go back to over five decades now. 

So his friends and their wives,  we form a motley group that has been together for almost 25 years now. I met many people at my workplaces. Some stayed on to remain strong pillars of support.

All these people are an integral part of my life and my go to people at times of trouble. They taught me that you dont need friendship bands and songs to prove your friendship. All you need is a call or a message that says, chal milte hain...plan bana. Or in today's time..zoom call karo! 

You dont need to feel the over rush of mushy cards and oaths of friendship. All you need is a message that says, kya hua..all good?

All you need is someone to whom you can say... I need to run away now. Help me. And you know that you can run away to a safe space for sometime to return to your daily fare.

While thanks to the internet, I happily reconnect with old friends,  we all know life has changed and taken us ahead. We are different people now.  While we cherish the past, we work on creating new memories. 

Friendship today for me, is not about being available exclusively to the people I consider special but knowing that there are people out there who consider me special enough to take time for me, to communicate with me, to reach out to me and to just be there for me!